Green Eggs & Damn

I don’t mind if you mistake my kindness for weakness. That’s just a weak mind. Ignorance. And ignorance all day all week, don’t bother me, I’m fine. 

It’s when they know my weakness and play it, then I take stock and weigh it. Bc if I show you that side and you use it, it’s not ignorance. 

It’s intentional. And an insult on my intelligence.

They say to show your weakness is weak and makes you weaker.

But I say let’s experiment. Let’s put it in a beaker and mix it up and light it some and see if you a seeker, tagging on my weakness for some perverse game. I bet I come out stronger while you remain the same. 

Bc I just learned a lesson about what you really are, and you stuck where you ended and quicksand don’t get you far.

I’m not ashamed of faults, mine or someone elses. Im not a wolf, I don’t use faults to blow down others houses. 

So if I have befriended you, and you use my weakest fault lines, know I take offense at that and then I draw a line. And I’m trying to be holy and keep a low sin score, but I’m not all the way holy yet and I do not mind a war. 

That’s wrong, I do. I mind it,  but will battle if I must and if I let you know my fault lines, you also know my trust and that when it is mistreated, I get what we’ll call MAD. I’m trying to control that though, I’m trying to ignore the foe, I’m trying to take pity tho, I’m not all the way there yet.

If you can relate to people who use your weakness for their gain, who think they have some power because they think they know your mind frame, let me frame it for you

Let me say it like this: it cost you heartfelt words and a little comrade time and it bought you the wisdom to know the dusty from the shine. And dusty mother fuckers are not worth your time. So now you know they’re powerless and they don’t get yours or mine. 

If, on the other hand, you think this is about you, that’s because

It is. 

Yes. You.

PLEASE DON’T WALL UP. you won’t grow if you don’t trust TRUST.

I have no idea who this dude is, but WHAT HE SAID.

EXACTLY. Weak and stuck.

Word

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Cheerio, Motha F*cka

Let me trace the general outline 

of General Mills and how they define

The GMO’s in those little holes they

Got us callin’ Cheerios. 

You think I’m stupid don’t you, with your thought out propaganda, you think if you write

“Gluten free” and “simply made” and “heart healthy, ” 

That I won’t prop a gander at the mystery

Called the ingredient list. 

Almost got me, I almost missed

How you state your shits not modified, but what’s trace elements? OH, you lied?!

Who’s urprised?

So, you didn’t make my cheerios with genetically modified ingredients but they may have been contaminated while being made or transported?!?!

Ok, politician, think my minds a demolition site for your self righteous folk lore? Got me confused with a simple whore. 

Because

I don’t need your shit talk over cereal. Your CORRUPTION is so serial. 

General Mills Generally Modifies definitions. GM Genetically Modifies its positions. Can’t certify it NON-GMO cuz GM’ s shit is GMOhhhh…

Plays on words to hide the moral curves it spins past, 

To hide that money’s

 first, nutrition’s last.

But trace your elemental bullshit elsewhere tho, 

Manufacture word play on the next dumb ho,

Cuz I don’t need no cheerio

To poison my little family, yo.

A last goodbye, a CHEERIO, to the played out traced up cereal.

Christian bashing IS HATE SPEECH

Did you ever notice that Christian bashing has become socially acceptable? Bashing is hating is bullying, no matter what group you are targeting. 

And hating/bashing/bullying stems from anger and anger stems from fear. Fear: afraid. Why are you SO AFRAID of my God if you don’t believe in him?!? 

#noexcuse #stayangry #staybitter #stayignorant #stayrude 

I’m not going to argue/debate with people who believe nothing because their passion is based on nothing and argueing about nothing changes nothing.

Snapchat is my favorite social media site. 

Add me on Snapchat! Username: saltymarg https://www.snapchat.com/add/saltymarg

I sound like such a Bitch on FB

I realize when I comment on public school fb posts, that I sound like some kind of all-knowing, judgey homeschooling snob. Sorry about that. I understand the feeling of anticipating getting a break from the kids, though. I do. But I’ve experienced both sides now so I can’t allow certain inappropriate things to pass by my wall without pointing them out. So many things float last us that we automatically hold as “the right way” to think act feel and do. So don’t take my against-the-grain comments personally. I’m not attacking you. I was you. I’m attacking tne institution.

A lil bit o’ personal history:

I was a hater of the feminist movement before I even knew it was a movement. My horrid choice in men has led me down two separate single mom paths and I remember back in my early 20’s, thinking that all this snow shoveling, garbage removing business was for MEN, not women. But, because my husbands both equated to absolute deadbeatism, I was left to work, parent, and maintain the household all by myself. My first time around I avoided public school precisely because it had scarred me on multiple levels, so I enrolled my daughter in Catholic school, where she stayed for k-12. 

Deadbeat sitch #2, parochial school wasn’t an option because the boys have special needs. Up here in paleolithic northern ny,  only typical children are allowed to attend Catholic school. So, public school it was. 

Can’t write details of gross abuse and neglect endured by my boys because it has made me very sick and I tense up just thinking about it and certainly don’t feel able to write about it coherently. The beginning of the end were the documented slaps to my son by two classroom adults. So, now I homeschool.

The adjustment was difficult, more so because I was also dealing with the emotions that come with being a parent of abused children. Lots of grieving type stages: shock anger guilt blah blah blah

Long story short, I get it. I get that as a single mom, now unable to work and with zero child support, I am only able to choose homeschool because of the government money that comes with special needs. Of course, if my kids were “typical,” I would have never chosen homeschool because they would be in Catholic school. But if the traumas wouldn’t have happened that led to homeschool, I would have remained outside the church, unenlightened, and raising my boys under the assumption that they get everything they need including moral and spiritual guidance at school, and well, I see now that this way of thinking is flawed: if God is not a true center of your home, of your life, of your parenting, it’s just……….much more difficult to ensure that the kids have that solid spiritual and moral code instilled within. So yrs, I should be thanking the abusers. *not there yet. 

I see NOW, also, how many ways typical kids get neglected in public school and how we as a society are being led by our government to believe that a their way is the true way, the modern way. 

Being on the outside looking in is a much more telling perspective than being inside looking in. 

Anyway, back to the point: I think all children should be homeschooled but I know that way too many people don’t have the choice to quit their job so that they can choose homeschool. Especially single moms: you can’t even stay home with your infant as a poor person bc “social” services farms your baby out to a child care provider and forces you to go to work. And shelter and food trump education decisions because, survival, so I get it, I do. 

It’s a sad reality of this society of ours, that lots and lots of families can’t avoid this hideous oxymoron.

What pisses me off about fb are the posts like the idiotic video from some fb page called “bored teacher,” which involves a stressed out vodka drinking mom pushing a cart around a store (Wal-Mart no doubt) and chastising moms that bitch about the price of school supplies. I won’t even start my rant on school shopping pressures, I’ll just stick with her insulting supporting remarks. And I’ll paraphrase them bc ain’t got no time to quote:

Talkin’ bout, 

We should be thanking our teachers for putting up with our kids for nine hours a day and they aren’t even able to hit them. 

And

She can’t wait for someone to take her kids and teach them bc if they do it, that means she doesn’t have to teach them. 

Ummmmm, except teachers CAN hit kids, and DO, and there are far more incidences and traits aside from corporal punishment, that spawn out of public school, that are harming our kids both visibly and invisibly. More than I have time for here, so moving on:

Bitch, how about, it’s your JOB to teach them. Fuck Feminism, it’s YOUR JOB AS A MOM to teach your kids. And if, on the rare occassion, the mom is able to make more outside the home than the dad, than fine. Daddio can stay home with the kids and be Mr. Mom. (There’s a reason stay-at-home dads are called Mr. Mom, but stay-at-home moms  aren’t called mr. Dads, by the way. #justsayin.)  Parenting and teaching were not meant to be separated. Separating them is a modern thing, not a natural thing. Modern doesn’t equal natural!

The very reason why so many relate to such harmful video jokes (pre-trauma me included) is because we have been programmed to be with our kids for only a limited number of waking hours. We are confused when we have our kids full time because since their birth, we have been giving them away. I can’t even count how many people have made pityous remarks about my not getting time to myself.  I even used to complain about it. But A. I do have time to myself. Children in ones physical space does not equal having no time to oneself. In other words, I do plenty of stuff for myself while in the same space as my kids. And, time away for WHAT? I don’t have the money to have a big social life and now that I’m trying not to be so of the world, that kind of alone time doesn’t interest me. And I don’t have the money to waste on shit others view as relaxing, that I NEVER felt relaxed doing, like manicures and salons and shit. To each their own regarding extra curriculars, but thankfully, all of mine can be done in the company of children.

 How about grocery shopping? Was it easier to do that without the kids? Yes. But why? Because TIME. Because we had these external work and school schedules pressuring us. HURRY HURRY HURRY, ya know? But nothing is a hurry anymore. We get to slow down. Another big adjustment, and slowwww going for me to get used to, but I’m getting there. 

It’s nice to not rush.


ALSO, there are too many homeschooling opportunities to be had at the grocery store, but that’s for another post. 

And why was that alleged mom, posted on a page called “bored teacher?” A bored teacher? Weird. 

Just trying to be mindful,

Margarita

I was sooooo in agreement with this common stereotype until I started homeschooling.

A Thorn by any other Name…

It really is a huge problem in society when noone will read anything unless it is dramatic, negative crap. No wonder the collective IQ is shrinking. I can’t even start a blog post off with something less than juicy, if I want any readers. Why is it we are so intent on reading ONLY about the misery of others? Is it because we too are miserable and we are trying to relate? I relate to the sorrows of others but I pray it mirrors me back to my own suffering so I can try to change something somewhere somehow, and I try mixing some positive stuff in as well. Jeesh. 

ANYWAY, the rosary is not a “prayer to Mary.” It’s a mini scripture that combines speaking prayer (prayer of the lips) with meditative or thinking prayer. 

A certain set of mysteries is assigned to a different day of the week and today’s mysteries were the sorrowful mysteries which are 1. The agony in the garden 2. Scourging at the pillar 3. Crowning of thorns 4. Carrying of the cross 5. Crucifixion.

As we recite the prayers (speaking prayer) on the first set of beads, we meditate (thinking prayer) on the mysteries in succession. 

Mother Angelica really solidified for me, that our imagination is the key to meditative prayer. As we imagine each mystery we start to see parallels to our lives and begin to reflect on all sorts of helpful, inspired things. 

The crowning of thorns is probably the mystery I feel closest to but just when I think I know something, a new meditation comes to me (from Him). I usually meditate on the actual crowning but today I thought about the thorns themselves.

Images of thorns led me to my favorite flower, the rose. Until today, I’ve always considered the thorn as a defense, put there to ensure that the beauty of the flower is safe from destruction. Today, though, I thought of the flower as a goal and the thorns as necessary pains one must take to achieve that goal. The goal I was thinking about specjfically, was Heaven.

This goes with the idea of the thorns as a path to Heaven.

 Look how many obstacles we have on our path to Heaven! Each obstacle can be viewed as a thorn, but don’t forget the spaces between between each thorn: spaces with the most gorgeous leaves. I’ve actually caught myself thinking that the leaves are as beautiful as the flower. 

What was I saying? #adhdmoment

Oh yeah: from the roots of the rose, up the thorny stem, all the painful way to that penetrating bloom, one can trace one’s way to Heaven. 

I like thinking of the thorns this way versus as a defense. I’m tired of trying to survive by defending, aren’t you? Fear, guard, battle, defense…ugh. How exhausting. And gloomy. I don’t want to live like that. I want my life to be light and green, to be so wondrous that I get lost in the delicacy and strength of it, so that each thorn prick is a shock that stops bleeding as quickly as it starts so that I cannot dwell in the fear of it, but in the beauty of it.

May we pray well and prosper,

Margarita

P.S. The rosary isn’t just for Catholics, you know. Christians of all kinds, and non-Christians of all kinds, will benefit from this awesome guided meditation. Try it. You will most definitely like it. If you need one, I have plenty to give. Send me your address at mfpetrie@hotmail.com

The one I send won’t be as fancy as this, but it’s totally made with love! ❤❤ but hey: ROSE-ARY. #justnoticin

Sorrow to joy…

When Everything in Life Feels Like a Really Bad Job Interview

I have GOT to make a serious effort to stop caring at all, what others think of me as a woman, a mother, an adult, a person. Because the truth is, I’m all of these things and I’m not bad at any of them. I know this, God knows this, so why have I spent so many years trying to “do the right things?” Whose right things? The right things according to the world?

I’ve told myself a million times that it doesn’t matter what others think of me, but bad thought patterns die so hard that even enlightenment doesn’t bring about immediate relief; whenever I get tossed aside by this world I still find myself revisiting the idea that I’m a loser. That I can’t do anything right. That I may as well give up. That nothing matters. I crumble into a sobbing, rotting mess too often when this world rejects me, which is a lot. 

I need to ingrain this into my mind.

I wish I hadn’t felt like a leper my whole life. I wish I had known God much, much earlier because I felt so alone my whole life, yet, I was NEVER alone. I  guess I ignored God because I  wasn’t feeling Him the way people feel other people, so I put Him on a shelf.  

I understand differently now, thanks to my kindred spirit nun, Mother Angelica, who talks about emotionalism and taught me that we don’t usually feel God in the same way that we feel people: with our emotions and physical senses. It’s a different kind of feeling and sense. It’s hard to explain, but it’s an inner thing. Innerpeace, contenment, acceptance, and absense of worry, I guess, is one way to put it.  

Still though,  after 40 years in the spiritual desert, I require constant reminders to include God in my life, especially in my moments of despair. I think I’m still in the bad habit of forgetting what I don’t feel emotionally. 

Back to judgment, it’s odd that though He is my final judge, the only judge that matters, He is much, much, much less judgey toward me than the people of this world. Because He made me to be exactly what I am, He doesn’t treat me harshly. He doesn’t play games or categorize me. He loves me so much that He gave me the freedom to fuck everything up. And when I do, and when I crawl to Him after, broken and sorry, He forgives me. Every time. And I know He does, because I feel a sense of inner calm after confession. I feel a sense of relief and the guilt and shame is gone. That’s Him I’m feeling.

He doesn’t lie, manipulate, or bully me to get what He wants from me, like people do, so why be ruled by this feeling I’ve grown up with, that I have to make others feel good about, and agree with my decisions, and if they don’t end up agreeing with my decision, I end up doubting that it is the right one?

I’ve been struggling with trying to let go of this control I give to the world and to replace it with God’s will but I couldn’t figure out what God’s will  was. 

Like lots of people, I was being too specific: every decision I made I wanted to know from God if it was right or wrong, and because so many of my decisions were still leading to worldly failure, I was beginning to doubt that I was even loving God correctly. But something in this book stuck with me and that’s the idea of God’s will being a circle rather than a dot. 

Imagine a problem, question, or choice. If God’s will were a dot, we (or we hope that He) would fill in the circle next to the ONE CORRECT CHOICE. But that’s not how it works. If you thought it was, you aren’t alone. So did I. But God’s will isn’t a scantron sheet. God’s will is a circle because He gives us lots of correct choices, not just one. Every answer, choice, decision inside the circle is within God’s will. Those outside the circle are outside of God’s will. 

The book…

I don’t know if I explained that right and I can’t really remember why I was explaining it in the first place, but (when I remember to think of it) it helps me to stop putting so much pressure on myself. Helps me to stop judging all my decisions based on their outcomes. I mean, it’s pretty clear to me now that doing the right thing isn’t dependent on whether or not it feels good or is comfortable to do, including whether or not it is acceptable to people around me. So, if I make a choice and I end up failing at it, the very idea that I FAILED is only accurate if I base success or failure on a worldly response. If I request something of someone, or a company of someones, and am rejected, it may hurt but it only equals failure to the people who rejected me. And they aren’t the judge of me, so it’s not a failure. A failure is when I opt to make a choice outside God’s circle. People may approve of my choices and call it a success but to the only judge that matters, it could be the complete opposite. Equally, a success in God’s eyes may be a failure to the world’s.

 And God’s will and the world’s will aren’t always in opposition, but more and more in this modern world of ours, they are, and it’s pretty disheartening. For a world-failer like me, who is battling with letting go of the world’s harsh judgment, survival on this earth is superrrr tiring. 

Which is why I’ve got to stop caring about the judgment of people. I can’t continue to live suffocated under the weight of this world. 

I quit smoking after 25 years, but quitting an idea that I can’t ever remember not having, seems impossible. I can’t even imagine what it LOOKS like to be unashamedly IN the world but not OF it. It’s like being from one culture and trying to assimilate into another completely foreign, opposing one. I’m having a terrible time figuring it out. Really, God’s grace is the only way out of this mess of ideas I’ve made, so let’s pray that I find it. 

The parting of the Red Sea reminds me that trusting God’s will saves us no matter how scary, unexpected and unconventional it feels. How scary must it have been to witness an ocean part and then have to walk through it?! And What about the soldiers behind Moses and the Hebrews? I’m pretty sure they saw the sea part and got super judgey like, “if he actually thinks he will be safe walking through that, he’s an idiot.” Thank God Moses didn’t waste even a second on what THEY thought.

Ciao for now, 

Margarita

I guess we ALL face unjust judgment from others. I just need to learn to be a pope about it.

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